The Best Ever Book of Liverpool Jokes: Lots and Lots of Jokes Specially Repurposed for You-Know-Who

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Aren’t you having any?” asks the United fan. “No,” replied the City fan, “I think I’ll wait till the Police get here.” Oh yes, I've found your details" says the receptionist "but I see you're going to need help. Shall I call your wife for you?"

READ MORE: Tesco, Morrisons and Sainsbury's issue urgent product recalls for soup, pet food and more He said: “Liverpool were sensational in the second half. I said at half-time, treat this as a 0-0, you’ve got to win the second half, but I did not expect that. Everton pulled out all the stops tonight, examples of such selfless commitment to the banter are rare. A policeman stops a suspected drunk driver and asks him to take a breath test, the driver pulls out a medical card that says, “This man is asthmatic please do not take his breath.’ So the policeman asks him to take a blood test, the man then pulls out another card which read ‘This man is anemic, please do not take his blood.”The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed. Thatcher's dead, Fergie's retired and Liverpool are going to win the league. Somewhere there's a Scouser with a lamp and no wishes left.

He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Spurs fan saves friend from vicious animal." Arsenal Football Club, founded in 1886, is one of the most celebrated football teams in England, boasting a rich history in the Premier League and notable successes in both domestic and international competitions. Based in North London, the club has a passionate global fanbase and is recognized for its distinctive red and white colors, as well as its long-standing rivalry with Tottenham Hotspur. Simply translated as ‘are you having a laugh?’ If someone has done something particularly stupid, they will be asked this question in a particularly insulting tone. BlertStephen Rowe said: “Got two fish for the kids, called them one and two - kids said why did you call them that. Well kids if one dies, you’ve still got TWO”

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he’s ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out.” So the Liverpudlian goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”. The most one-sided derby I’ve ever seen. If Everton had scored all their shots, they’d have still lost! #LFC #EFC Of course there are worse things that could happen in life than Liverpool winning the league. I just can't think of any right now… After the second or third goal, Manchester United were just second to everything after that, and the result doesn’t flatter Liverpool.He said: "I don't have an explanation. I have to find out, it's only going on what I've seen. The first half was quite in control. Maybe we had the better chances, we made one mistake. Paul McHugh, a gym instructor at Lifestyles Alsop Fitness Centre in Walton, died suddenly on Saturday night (October 21) after coming home from the Liverpool v Everton match. Paul, 37, had a four-year-old daughter called Sienna and had recently bought a house in West Derby with his partner Megan. Ye da sits at the top of the stairs and pretends he's The Chaser' - Ste Swift (and pretty much everyone else) The Gunners fan was thinking: 'That Spurs fan must have kissed Megan Fox who went to slap him, missed him and slapped me instead.'

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils? As the motorway tarmac exits the toilet the barman confronts him and says...'what was that about? So much for being hard and not scared of anything!' Quasimodo came out of his conference scratching his head. He looked at the others and asked, "Who the hell is Martin Keown?"But what better way to spend a rainy Fathers Day than reading 46 of the most hilarious your da jokes you sent in.